November 29th, 2011

I’ve heard a lot of times how people with one kid, expecting their second one wonder if they’d ever love that second child as much as the first one.. it’s their fear that they wont. I never even thought about it, I of course love Allison with all my heart but when I was pregnant with Vincent I loved him since I found out I was pregnant.. with all my heart too… same for Dominic, same for Vivian.

Vivian was totally planned.. I knew I wanted one more kid I just wasn’t sure when… at the beginning of the year I thought it’s now or never.. I planned to have her at the end of my fall busy time with work, I dreamed of having a girl, a girl that looked like Vincent… Those dreams and plans became a reality, a perfect reality.

10 months of knowing a baby was growing inside of me made me have a whole lot more plans and dreams… having a 4th child makes it “easier” in your mind.. you know what to expect, you know what to do with babies, etc… truth is that it doesn’t matter how many kids you’ve had or how much you plan and dream, motherhood it’s hard.. very hard… I had an awesome pregnancy, but I also had the common pains and such.. uncomfortable at the end.. totally worth it, yes.. but that doesn’t mean it’s less uncomfortable… delivery was a bliss, fast and easy, painful but I was expecting that… the fact that it was fast and easy doesn’t mean that my body skipped the normal changes that any woman at delivery has… hormones, pain, I hate to be naked in front of people and I had to “deal” with it, etc.. and finally you have the baby.. those 10 months seem like a blur, every pain is forgotten and you fall in love at first sight… can’t explain what I felt when I first saw each of my kids.. lots of mixed emotions… with Vivian obviously was no exception.. I guess the only difference was that I felt I was “ready” for her.. this time it was planned remember??..

Well.. Vivian has taught me one more time that you can’t never be ready… I don’t know if I’ve totally forgotten how it was the first few weeks with the other babies.. but this time it’s kicking my butt.. I think big part of it is because I was feeling soo ready and I had planned for soo much… she’s only 2 weeks old and I know it’ll get better, but this 2 weeks have been hard. I planed to exclusively breast feed her because “I knew what I was dealing with”… I nursed and supplemented the boys for around 7 months, Allison was mostly formula fed.. This time I was going to do it.. I am doing it.. but it’s not working for me and it makes me feel SO SO guilty… I’m obviously not against formula.. my 3 kiddos are SUPER healthy and smart… but this time is different.. I hate to not do what I plan/dream so I feel guilty, like I’m failing to what I had dreamed… I know that no matter how she’s fed she’ll do great.. this is for me, and how I feel that I don’t have the patience to nurse on demand around the clock.. that my boobs hurt all the time and that I dread for her to latch.. it hurts… She’s growing and putting weight on.. but she’s nursing all the time and I do not enjoy it for most of the time.. 🙁

Why, why this time of knowing and enjoying my 7lb baby have to be shadowed by pain and guilt???… 🙁

I guess I’m just having an off day.. little sleep and hormones can do that to you… I will be ok.. I know Vivian will be too.. Tomorrow will be a new day.


First time I nursed her.. by Amanda Pair.


She’s totally one of the 4 reasons of my life.

Elease - November 30, 2011 - 4:25 pm

This totally had me in tears. I know the feelings of wanting to successfully breastfeed your baby, and it just not working. For me it became a bigger stress than I needed with Jaxon, so I stopped. No regrets now. Love makes little things grow, regardless of what they are fed. HUGS!

katie - December 1, 2011 - 9:50 am

I know where you are coming from. I fantasized about nursing Brock until he was 1 and formula was never even an option for me. Well, some things you just can’t control… I struggled to produce and after Brock kept losing weight, our pediatrician said it was time to supplement with formula. I was only able to nurse for 6 weeks. When I returned to work, my body completely shut off. Broke my heart. I pumped, pumped, and pumped some more but with no success. Brock is 2 and a half, healthy and happy. And I’ve just learned to not be so hard on myself. Since I couldn’t breastfeed, I did make all of Brock’s baby food… I called my homemade baby food momma’s love, lol.
Best of luck!You are such an inspiration and I don’t know how you did everything you did with three little ones let alone 4 now! SuperMom is all I can say!! You got this!

Penny Smith - December 28, 2012 - 9:07 am

You put too much thought into it… the pain goes away. The routine of nursing full time subsides and you do it without thinking… I have no idea what you decided to do, but having formula there to tempt you is the beginning of the end.

If you do do formula, I HIGHLY recommend organic. Even the “high end” brand names are just the cheapest oils for processing… and non-organic is a huge risk…

You kinda decide to succeed or fail from the get go… you may have though you were gonna do it, but if formula was always an option in your mind, the game in your head was against you to begin with…

[…] might remember my ramblings a few weeks ago.. Vivian was 2 weeks ago and I was totally exhausted, sleep deprived and living […]

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