I’ve heard a lot of times how people with one kid, expecting their second one wonder if they’d ever love that second child as much as the first one.. it’s their fear that they wont. I never even thought about it, I of course love Allison with all my heart but when I was pregnant with Vincent I loved him since I found out I was pregnant.. with all my heart too… same for Dominic, same for Vivian.
Vivian was totally planned.. I knew I wanted one more kid I just wasn’t sure when… at the beginning of the year I thought it’s now or never.. I planned to have her at the end of my fall busy time with work, I dreamed of having a girl, a girl that looked like Vincent… Those dreams and plans became a reality, a perfect reality.
10 months of knowing a baby was growing inside of me made me have a whole lot more plans and dreams… having a 4th child makes it “easier” in your mind.. you know what to expect, you know what to do with babies, etc… truth is that it doesn’t matter how many kids you’ve had or how much you plan and dream, motherhood it’s hard.. very hard… I had an awesome pregnancy, but I also had the common pains and such.. uncomfortable at the end.. totally worth it, yes.. but that doesn’t mean it’s less uncomfortable… delivery was a bliss, fast and easy, painful but I was expecting that… the fact that it was fast and easy doesn’t mean that my body skipped the normal changes that any woman at delivery has… hormones, pain, I hate to be naked in front of people and I had to “deal” with it, etc.. and finally you have the baby.. those 10 months seem like a blur, every pain is forgotten and you fall in love at first sight… can’t explain what I felt when I first saw each of my kids.. lots of mixed emotions… with Vivian obviously was no exception.. I guess the only difference was that I felt I was “ready” for her.. this time it was planned remember??..
Well.. Vivian has taught me one more time that you can’t never be ready… I don’t know if I’ve totally forgotten how it was the first few weeks with the other babies.. but this time it’s kicking my butt.. I think big part of it is because I was feeling soo ready and I had planned for soo much… she’s only 2 weeks old and I know it’ll get better, but this 2 weeks have been hard. I planed to exclusively breast feed her because “I knew what I was dealing with”… I nursed and supplemented the boys for around 7 months, Allison was mostly formula fed.. This time I was going to do it.. I am doing it.. but it’s not working for me and it makes me feel SO SO guilty… I’m obviously not against formula.. my 3 kiddos are SUPER healthy and smart… but this time is different.. I hate to not do what I plan/dream so I feel guilty, like I’m failing to what I had dreamed… I know that no matter how she’s fed she’ll do great.. this is for me, and how I feel that I don’t have the patience to nurse on demand around the clock.. that my boobs hurt all the time and that I dread for her to latch.. it hurts… She’s growing and putting weight on.. but she’s nursing all the time and I do not enjoy it for most of the time.. 🙁
Why, why this time of knowing and enjoying my 7lb baby have to be shadowed by pain and guilt???… 🙁
I guess I’m just having an off day.. little sleep and hormones can do that to you… I will be ok.. I know Vivian will be too.. Tomorrow will be a new day.
First time I nursed her.. by Amanda Pair.
She’s totally one of the 4 reasons of my life.